The Importance of Taking Time

I have stopped working at the agency altogether. I feel very strongly that I won’t be going back. The first couple of weeks after I left, I felt a lot of fear and discouragement. Business at the Tantra temple was slow to start, much as expected. I spent the time going inward. Reflecting. Doing yoga. Trying to fix my sleep schedule and get back to being awake in the daytime (still working on that part!).
During this time, I noticed that I couldn’t do a yoga class without being moved to tears. I would go home and weep and sort through the mess of my feelings.
At some point in the mess of discouragement and fear, I started to shift my focus. I had, after all, wished for an alternative to the agency, and almost immediately after I had set that intention, I met Don and Rania. I could manifest other positive changes in my life.
For Christmas, my grandma had given me a copy of Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life. I started reading and doing the exercises. I have noticed a change in how I show up in the world. I am calmer, more at peace. I am a work in progress and I am still working to improve myself, but I am healing. Of that I am certain.
I am letting go of the resentment I’ve held on to from my marriage and divorce. I am working on being happy for my ex for the wonderful things in his life. For his business, his stable, loving relationship, his new home by the ocean. I have let go of most of my resentment where that relationship is concerned.
My body feels lighter now, clearer. I love this decision that I have made not to have full sex with clients anymore. I sometimes wonder if it is a patriarchal fantasy that touching someone erotically is less of a commitment than letting their cock inside of you. . . And then I remember all the instances of painful penetration, of checking out and zoning out and waiting for it to be over, while making the noises that they expect me to make, and I know I never want to experience that again.
Right before undertaking my Tantra training for my work with the temple, Josh and I made love. It was glorious. I adored every inch of him and he adored every inch of me. We delighted in each other. I was so responsive. His scent and his touch and nearness sent me to the next world and back. When he slid his cock into me, I looked in his eyes. “Do you know how good that feels?” I said. “That’s how it’s supposed to feel,” he said and kissed me.
I took in that phrase along with the intense pleasure, and as I came over and over, I claimed that piece of knowledge for myself. Yes, this is how it’s supposed to be. Yes, this is how it will be for me from now on. Yes, I deserve to feel so delicious, to be honoured and adored.
Now that the Tantra work is starting to pick up, I feel nourished and full of enthusiasm. There is a lot I’m still learning – the session format is very different from the game I played as an escort, but I am managing the steep learning curve. My new clients have all treated me with upmost respect, and came to me with a willingness to learn. I am very happy on my new path.