Two Queens

As I sat in the passenger’s seat of my driver’s car, watching the city lights fade to the stretch of country roads, I mused on the experiences I have had since starting this new chapter in my life. Flashes of men in hotel rooms, men who’s names I do not recall. I remember how many of them came to me with very few words, clutching my body like a flotation device, looking into my eyes as they approached climax. Some of them cried in that moment and I held them, offering them comfort, offering them my lush, yielding, gentle body, and sharing some part of myself, even though we would likely never meet again.

Images of how sex work is perceived flashed through my mind: soul-destroying, abusive, damaging, degrading. I imagine people thinking of women like me as soulless vampires, opportunists, dead inside, unable to feel the sweet ambrosia of sexual pleasure. It amused me in that moment how completely wrong that description is for me. Sex work has deepened my compassion for men, not annihilated it. Men are complex, beautiful, vulnerable, human. So are women. And everyone else.

My parents are astrologers and tarot readers. To this day, I have a deck of cards that I consult from time to time. A reading I gave myself turned up two queens, the Queen of Swords and the Queen of Cups. The Queen of Swords is independent, cold, unattached, set apart. This is how I felt when my marriage ended. I put up so many walls around my heart, not wanting to let anyone in again, not wanting to feel anything too deeply for anyone. The Queen of Cups is emotionally available, nurturing, compassionate, romantic. As I drove down that sporadically lit road, those two archetypes flitted through my head. I am caught between the two. I am bursting with love and desire for connection, but I still insist on protecting myself. Funny how marriage and a live-in relationship prior to marriage caused me to put up walls, while sex work has helped me tear down those walls. Life is full of seeming contradictions.

I focused on the feelings of love that burst from my chest. It was so beautiful that I almost wept. Yes, I said to the night sky, yes, I will be open to love. Yes, I will continue to risk. I will live this way. I will consciously remove these safeguards and make myself vulnerable. It is the more authentic way to live. I will protect myself, but I will not shut down.


5 thoughts on “Two Queens

  1. writingthebody says:

    You sound really lovely….but opening yourself to love is not the same thing surely. I write as a client, and with a lot of uncertainty. Whoever is with you will be fortunate indeed, but I do hope you are not mixing things in a way that will end up with you being hurt. It is true that kindness is good….really good, especially if you can find it inside yourself. I am myself a little confused and contradictory in what I am saying obviously. Do look after yourself as well, love yourself first perhaps. Sorry if I sound stupid…x

    • Madame Jade says:

      I appreciate your kind words. This was a stream-of-consciousness piece and part of what I was exploring was my ability to love not being separate from this work. I am also grappling with accepting that I am, indeed, worthy of love in a personal relationship while working as a whore. Even though I am pretty comfortable with my work and my reasons for doing it, I am not immune to sex-negative and patriarchal judgments about what makes a woman lovable.

  2. writingthebody says:

    Well I think you are just lovely. And of course you are worthy of love. You are you, and what you do cannot take that away from you unless you allow it to. But it is a hard job, really hard. I have so much respect for your approach of trying to keep yourself tuned and emotionally alive in spite of those who judge. There are many who judge, and you can never tell how or why some people do that. For me they are the ones who are closed off and cold. Hugs to you as well. Hugs of friendship.

  3. Kingly says:

    I have a question just because I’m interested. I currently am thinking about this profession but as a woman who is in the industry what are things you would say are tips of getting into it correctly. Also if you don’t mind me asking how much do you make per month?

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