I have taken a small break from blogging for various reasons. The first and most obvious one is that my life has become very busy over the last month or so. The second reason is that I’ve been feeling conflicted about how much to reveal about my life on this blog, lest I might include too many identifying details of my life and accidentally out myself.
I have recently become an avid listener of the new podcast The Whorecast (http://www.thewhorecast.com/#). It has been very encouraging to hear the voices of other sex workers presented in a positive light, by and for sex workers. I find myself laughing and crying while listening to the Whorecast, and feeling a camaraderie with the brave, beautiful and candid people on the podcast. Siouxie Q, the host of the Whorecast, encourages sex workers around the world to be out whenever possible and shares her stories of coming out to her family. Her partner Jesse is a regular on the Whorecast, and he talks about his family’s reaction when they learned of his girlfriend’s profession.
On listening to their stories, I am again reminded that, for the first time since I was fourteen, I am not completely out with everyone in my life. Being closeted takes its toll. I find myself calling my mom less frequently, especially after her reaction to the revelation that I am polyamorous. It’s like there’s a big chunk of my life that I can’t talk about, and worse, I have to lie about. My relationship with my mom has improved over the last few years; we’ve both worked really hard at it. But now, I feel it falling apart. I feel rejected and judged and the stress of lying and facing her judgments takes its toll. I have stopped phoning home, just returning her calls rather than initiating contact.
I often wonder if being completely, unapologetically out would help matters. Or would it create a rift in our relationship that is impossible to mend. I am not yet willing to find out.
I want to do so much with my life, and as I shed the expectations of respectability and embrace sex work as a calling, the world feels more open and rich with possibility. Perhaps I will be able to make the porn that I want to see when I shed what remains of my inhibitions.