Home for Easter

I spent this weekend visiting my parents on Vancouver Island. It was really nice to see the family, my brothers, my cousin that I haven’t seen in six years, my grandparents and my uncle. I am also very conscious of being an outsider in the family as I have to spin lies about my work in order to maintain the illusion that I am not a whore. I want to be out. I feel pride and satisfaction in my work, but I feel paralyzed to talk about it. I am out as a polyamorous bisexual, and my family accepts the bi part for the most part. The poly part they either have no comment on, or they write off as just a phase.

I miss the time when I could tell my mother the details of my world. I have grown close to her in the last few years, although there are still trigger points with her, moments where I feel uncomfortable, vulnerable. My mom and I have had a lot of conflict over how I express myself sexually in the past, and she has come a long way towards accepting me… but she still believes that monogamy is right and that other relationship structures are wrong. Tonight, she told me that ‘sleeping with a lot of people and not having one special person is denying part of your humanity.’ I know that her life has been different from mine, and I know that monogamy would be a disaster for me, but it still stings to know that she does not recognize my relationship style as legitimate. It also makes me think twice about telling her that I don’t in fact work for a catering company.

I wish I was a stronger person, someone with more armour who didn’t give a shit about what my mom thinks of me. But the truth is, at this moment, I do care. It was hard watching my brother with his girlfriend of six years, listening to them talk about learning traditional family recipes and seeing the way they seem so mature and acceptable… And here I am, having the time of my life in Vancouver, having many lovers, doing activism and making art, and yet feeling flakey in the eyes of the family. Again, I know I shouldn’t care. I am very lucky that I have such an accepting family. But I wonder often how accepting they would be of me if they knew that I am a whore. And that I love it. And that I have more beauty and love in my life now than I ever have before. I often wonder if my relationship with my parents would survive me being completely out about my work. My vocation. I sometimes feel like I am inflicting something terrible on them just by being myself and doing what I can to make it in the world. I will have to resolve this. It’s not easy, but I adore my life, and I am sure that they will understand that in time. Because eventually I will publish writing about my secret life, and they will learn the truth.