Since this January, I have been dating two amazing men, Josh and Pierre. I haven’t written about Pierre until now because he requested that I not discuss our relationship with anyone. I have decided that the best way to honour his wishes was to keep him out of the writings on my anonymous blog. I am a bit paranoid that way, perhaps, but so be it.
Pierre and I have a very special relationship. We understand each other in many ways, he is very supportive of my work, and there is a lot of kindness between us. Oh, and the sex is completely amazing. Until recently, we were only seeing each other on occasion.
When my apartment flooded, I ended up staying with Josh for the weekend, as I mentioned in an earlier post. During that weekend, Josh had been invited to a birthday party for one of his friends. He asked me along, letting me know that some people he was ‘currently connecting with’ would also be at the party, and that we would have to be less touchy with each other than we usually were. I agreed.
I saw Pierre at the party. He was there with a woman I would later learn to be his other lover (although I suspected at the time). We embraced, and I told him I wanted to see him very soon, once things in my life settled down a bit. He asked me if I was pursuing a relationship with Josh. I said that yes we were dating.
“Ok,” he said. “I’m going to step back and give you the space to explore your relationship with him.”
I would have articulated at that moment that I wanted him to stay in my life and I wanted to pursue both relationships, but I was not at my best, since my place had just flooded. I was mainly at the party because I was staying at Josh’s place that weekend and I didn’t want to be the killjoy who squatted in his apartment while he went to the party alone and felt bad about not entertaining me. So I just watched Pierre walk away, feeling choked up, touched, and overwhelmed.
A few days later, Josh and I debriefed about our feelings about the party. He told me that he felt weird about being more ‘hands-off’ with me. He told me that he has a lot of feelings for me, but that he doesn’t discuss his love life with his friends, but he’s fine with me talking about our relationship with others. I was impressed by his honesty, and, oddly comforted that he doesn’t expect exclusivity. That was around the time that I told him about my job, which didn’t phase him.
Later, Pierre contacted me and told me that he wished me happiness with Josh, and that he would be here if I decided I wanted to spend time with him again. I responded by sending him an email saying that what I have with Josh in no way negates what I have with Pierre.
Josh was away that weekend on business. I texted Pierre, and he replied to say that he was sick in bed. I asked if he needed anything. I came over and brought him food. We ate, cuddled, and reconnected. It felt good to be there with him. Since then, Pierre and I have been spending a lot of time together.
Last week, Pierre told me that he no longer requires me to keep our relationship confidential. He suggested I tell Josh before he finds out through the grapevine, which I agreed to do. It’s tricky. Josh has told me that he prefers to keep his lovers compartmentalized. I get the feeling that I am the one he’s most interested in (though perhaps that is wishful thinking). I was the one he spent Valentine’s Day with. I have been spending every Friday night with him, and he makes me breakfast on Saturday. I have started to really like that couple-feeling groove we’ve been getting into. I have also felt like I shouldn’t get too comfy with it, because I still have questions I would like answered. We’ve talked about polyamory, and we both know that we are not exclusive. Still, he has mentioned how competitive guys can be, and I wonder how much of that is his own observations of himself. I will have to initiate this discussion, and it’s hard.
To make matters even more complicated, I met someone fabulous on Sunday who is completely smitten with me. I am intrigued by him and am planning to see him this Friday. This invites more conflict, because I have been seeing Josh on Fridays… but now I wonder if perhaps I should be less available. I am starting to fall into the temptation to play games rather than be honest and open, and I must resist this urge. I will have to have that sit-down discussion with Josh soon, and trust me, it’s the last thing I want to do at the moment!