Seven months ago, I entered the escort business full time. Seven months ago, I met Chris. Our relationship was intense, and beautiful. It became serious quite quickly. I was completely caught up in the magic of our connection, and it was so refreshing to be with someone who was so supportive of my work. Making love with Chris felt like heaven, like coming home. Being with her helped me to feel grounded in my body and helped me adjust to the challenges of sharing my body with strangers for pay. It was amazing to feel so safe and comfortable and yet so alive and excited with someone.
The only catch was that two months into our relationship, she moved to another city for school. I was devastated when she left, but we agreed to do long-distance. Soon, the closeness and beauty of our relationship was replaced by the cold glare of computer screens and no cell reception. We tried to keep our connection alive, but I found it very challenging to have a relationship in the absence of touch and regular communication. My needs went unmet and I became very resentful and angry.
A month or so after she left, an old friend got in touch with me. He and his partner were divorcing and he had recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He was moving to Vancouver, and, when his housing plans fell through, I agreed to let him stay with me. Big mistake, but it was a lesson I needed to learn.
The next few months were a very trying time for me. Chris had financial problems, and I was helping her as best I could. She later paid me back, but at the time, it was a strain. Jared moved in with me and started his routine of ‘borrowing’ money from me, which I forked over, just like when we were teenagers. I was supporting two people, working constantly, and resenting my work. I was overextended, angry, frustrated, and sad. I was not doing what I needed to do to make sure that my needs were met.
During this time, I grew to resent my work. I hated seeing clients. It’s hard to give of yourself when your well is empty. I felt discouraged, and, although most of my clients were nice people, I did not do what I needed to do to ensure that my work was pleasant. The sex I had with clients became a chore, something uncomfortable and obligatory. I wanted to take a break, but I couldn’t afford it. I couldn’t afford to get a massage, or take myself out for a meal, or anything.
During my visit to Chris over Halloween to help her move again, I broke down and cried. “I feel like I’m taking care of so many people, I have such a heavy weight on me. I need someone to take care of me.”
As the months wore on, the closeness I felt with Chris was replaced by gnawing resentment, anger, and detachment. A few weeks ago, I had the conversation with her about taking a break from things, taking the pressure off. I know it is the right thing for us both – resentment and anger are unhealthy ways to feel as often as I was feeling them – but I am also very sad. I miss the way things were in the beginning. As I learn more of Tantra and Tibetan Buddhism, I become more comfortable with the fact that life is a series of temporary circumstances, and I am working on being less attached to circumstances, and people. To love without expectation of things turning out a certain way is a tall order, one that I can only hope to achieve. Relationships ebb and flow. Right now, I have to trust that Chris is on her path, and to love her without trying to force either of us into a box that doesn’t fit.